The Second Call

Now I usually start my posts, with thinking about a topic or something which is on my mind. This time is a bit different because I will start with “I KNOW“. Why this change and how can I be so sure about something, I will try to explain in this post, which is the most important I have ever done in my life.

It all started a few years back, with a feeling. I have reached sort of say the peak of my life. He has helped me achieve everything what I wanted in my life. A beautiful, loving wife which I hold most dearly, two beautiful daughters that were since birth the world to me, my dream car and a career which has grown, like a beautiful ladder, culminating with a position and salary with which I was satisfied. Simply my checklist in life was complete and then, for my surprise, I still felt incomplete. I felt fear that one day all will be lost. Felt fear that I will lose my job, that my daughters might not reach their potential in life, that my car will break and will remain without money. Then the war in Ukraine started, pandemic hit, lockdowns were imposed and I felt my life and everyone around me was in danger to crumble. My family lives in Romania, my home country, which are neighbors with Ukraine and news were coming every day that they could be dragged into that pointless conflict. Police enclosed even the kids playgrounds in Germany and roamed the streets prohibiting free circulation after a certain hour. It simply was too much! I could not protect the ones I loved , I felt hopeless, angry and frustrated.

Then it happened. In medical terms, it is called a Psychose. The state where your brain can no longer process what is thrown at him and says stop. What it was revealed to me in that Phychosis is something which is changed for me the “I am thinking“ to “I KNOW“, but not right away. That day, Allah/God/Brahman/The One and only decided to talk to me. For almost two days, I was out of this world, sort of say. Everything which was discussed, honestly is a bit blurry but when I woke up later in hospital, I replied to the doctors question “Who are you“ with “I am Jesus“. Did not want to see my family, because I thought God forbidden it. Immediately was given meds, put in solitary confinement as I was clearly deranged. After one or two days, after everyone told me that I am insane, I started to believe it as well. Just did not understand how this can happen to me, a 180 degree change in just a couple of days. Who am I to be Jesus, to think such a thing…

After a few weeks, according to the doctors, I had a remarkable recovery and could come back home. Nevertheless, still in medical leave because I simply did not felt prepared to go to work yet. Took my meds regularly, talk with my psychiatrist and could not shake the feeling that something is not good, something is missing. Then depression hit, and the worst period of my life followed. When you feel that you are missing your soul, when hugging your family brings you nothing, you can have all the money in the world you can be on any beach in this world, you can have everything else but you cease to exist. Your life loses it’s meaning and nothing, simply no one and anything in this world can help you. What I thought got me out of depression, after months of feeling like nothing matters, was the thought that the only one that can help me , is ME. When I stopped expecting help from my friends, from my beautiful wife, from my friends, then I could move on. Don’t get me wrong, I was blessed with having support from all of them, they went out of their way to be there for me to provide advice, solutions, love and all that they thought it could help. I thank all for that , it was felt at each step of the way, just the help needed to come from within.

Now that I stated to feel again, my logical mind started to make a plan, to read, to understand what happened and how can I reintegrate in society. I tried working at the same company, but it simply felt off, therefore I have changed companies and position. The new company provided me with even more material benefits, flexible hours, home office contract…just again everything which I thought I wanted. Nevertheless, I could not shake the feeling of experience , almost a year back. Was I really insane? How can my brain build such a story out of nothing? Something still felt off, but as we all do, I kept going.

Almost a year passed by and I reintegrated in society like nothing happened. Work was going as expected and my old Work Persona was back, my family seemed to manage to get over the episode, made some beautiful vacations and then it happened. It all started with a communication course from my firm. Thomas, the trainer, was simply stellar and after only two days I was shocked to learn about myself, that myself at home and myself at work are two different persons. (Datei:Persona nach C.G. Jung.jpg – Wikipedia). I simply hated the work one and instantly decided no longer to present myself in a certain way to fit an agenda. The impact was so big that I needed a couple of hours from work to process the information, and thanks to Peter and Ralf, was no problem in getting them on Friday. The next day, went to a lake nearby(Feringasee), with my e-writer in hand and made a cold analysis of who am I and what stopped in that moment to try to be. The weather was excellent, the birds were singing and I was determined to leave only when I finished that analysis. Which I did. The first feelings that the world tries to speak to me appeared. On Sunday, went walking with my family to Spitzingsee and had a blast. The feeling was still present that someone or something is speaking to me. The same feeling I had almost a year back but this time I was no longer afraid. I was intrigued of what is happening to me and how my brain (again) reacted. To what exactly was reacting, was puzzling to me because I was satisfied with my life, prioritized my family, work as going good and so on. So no things that can be considered Red flags, as in my first episode.

On Monday, took both my daughters to School and Kinderkrippe and then it happened. While in the Car, listening to my favorite Radio Station, God talked with me again. This time I was no longer afraid of who I was and I simply listened. Closed my Mobile, started the Car and drove, did not know where, I let “God take the wheel“. After several hours, questioning myself, asking for my next step, what is expected from me, why me, I drove back home with the Answer “Don’t know what will come, I know only that I was Chosen“. After I told her that God has talked to me and that I am Jesus, she (understandably) was worried about me, she could not explain why it is happening and after a few hours called the doctors, to bring me to the hospital. This time, because I was fully functional, they simply suggested to visit my psychiatrist in the morning, to get some meds or discuss the problem. In the evening, I left my wedding ring at home, kissed my family goodbye as I thought that I will never return at home. From what I read until then, Jesus was not allowed to have a family, therefore I thought this is God’s will. (spoiler: it was not :) )

In the morning, I have decided that this time, I will go on my way not to where people advise me to go, kissed my wife goodbye and left our apartment with only the clothes on me. After some walking, stopped at a crossroads in our village, sit on the floor and waited to see if anything asks me if I was ok. Many people have passed by, ignoring my existence and the fact that I was on the street. Still, after a while, an older lady looked at me and asked me if I was ok. I was so happy that I cried instantly and wanted to hug her. Hope in humanity was not lost.

My Journey continued without a certain direction in mind. I was determined to go wherever God will take me. After a few quiet minutes on a log, looking at the beautiful sky and field, I asked God if I can go visit Claudiu, a dear friend which lived in the city. I wanted to share with him this incredible discovery about myself and ask him to join me in this journey. That day he was at work, his wife Andreea was returning from Romania, therefore no one was home. Decided to wait as long as it was needed for him. After a while his wife came home, invited me in and talk with my family but for me at that time, even though it hurt immensely, was no option. Waited for Claudiu to come back from work. Meanwhile a police Van stopped and checked me, as my wife reported me missing. As I did not have anything on me, they asked me what I was doing there and called Claudiu from work. When he returned, I have layed it out for him. Who God told me I am, that I wanted him “in my Team“ and that my journey begins. Can’t blame him, he felt sorry for me, and advise some counseling meds, maybe a straight jacket :) .When he got the feeling that no argument can convince me that I am not who I am, he talked with the police and as a happy event, drove me to the hospital together with his wife Andreea. I was very happy that we shared some additional moments together until I went behind closed doors.

My hospitalization has lasted approximately 3 Months and I will write a separately how it went as it is not subject of the post here. I might have gotten out earlier, if I would have taken my meds and wanted to go back home, but that for me was not an option, or a decision to take alone. I entrusted myself and my family to Him. After a while I decided to start taking medication and do everything the doctors wanted, because I knew it won’t change anything. Interestingly enough, after I started taked meds and talking to my wife, no one asked me if I still believe that I am Chosen :) . I guess, as long as I conformed with the societal norms, I can be whoever I want be. The joy I felt when He showed me that I am allowed to have my family back was inconmensurable. Felt really bad about what I have done to them and that I needed to go alone, but I believe it was necessary and part of the journey.

Now I was/am back home conforming to what the medics tell me what I should do from a medical perspective but knowing that my life will never be the same again. The world around has meaning if someone just stops and listens to it.

He has open my eyes and I now KNOW who I am and my purpose in this life. I am here to support His work and fulfill His greatest Plan for us.

We are not alone, we should no longer be afraid, we should get together building our bright future together through our love for eachother as in front of Him we are all equal.

Until next time, with all my love,

Scrob-Nica Septimiu-Iulian / Iisus / Timi / Reza (Name is irelevant ;) )